Motherless Mothers

I lost my mother at a young age, and growing up my father did his best to fill in the gaps with amazing women in my life.  My fondest memories of a mother-figure are of my old babysitter who would play with me.  I have vague recollections of my mom playing with me, but my sitter was just awesome.  She would get down on the floor with me to play Barbie and My Little Pony and even sewed clothes for my toys.  Another woman my father dated was very much a Susie Homemaker who enjoyed sewing dresses for me and baking all sorts of delicious treats.

The woman my father wound up marrying is the polar opposite of all the mother figures he'd placed in my life to nurture me.  She's an amazing woman, intelligent, kind, and loving, but we didn't bond until I had my second child and was a grown woman.

Since I never truly had a mother-daughter bond, or really experienced (to my memory) how a mother bonds with her children, I've always felt as if I'm missing something or not doing enough for my kids.  Quite often, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of motherhood and doing what's expected because it's what I think moms should do, or because it's what the mother I wanted would have been like.  I'm not sure.  It frequently feels fake or hollow, and it's hard to put my finger on exactly why.

I strive to be the Perfect Mother in all ways, but I so very often fall short, and it kills me inside.  I want to be Mother Bear from the Little Bear books, kind and gently loving while making all sorts of yummy goodness to share with my offspring, but the reality is me yelling at the kids, pushing them away, and hiding from them when I get overwhelmed by all the expectations I hold myself up to.

Several times I've attempted to find online support networks for mothers without mothers, but I've found that the groups are either older women who lost their mothers as adults or people who just want to vent and find support dealing with their grief.  I've been unable to find women who can help me relate to being a mother without any motherly guidance in her life.  So I wing it, and I go it alone.

While I do mourn the loss of my mother and feel the emptiness inside from time to time, I feel that it happened so long ago that it really doesn't impact me anymore.  Save for the anniversary of her death, I don't feel much sadness or sorrow, and it really is just a fact of life.  I don't have a mother and I don't remember much of the mother I had.

I just fear that I'm not a good mom.  People tell me I'm an awesome mother but inside I'm thinking that I've completely pulled the wool over their eyes because I feel like I'm nothing more than a farce.  I have no example to hold myself up to in my mind and not having someone in my life to model leaves me feeling a bit lost.  I need a mentor, a person to compare myself to, but I lack that inner guidance because I never had the experience of a real mother in my life.

So I keep muddling, and I keep wondering.  I can only hope that my children turn out okay and I don't cause their therapy bills to be through the roof in their adulthood.